trippin balls... naturally

i am losing a lot of weight in a very short amount of time
i'm always dizzy
but i think, because my body is in such a state, my brain is releasing extra endorphins and feel-good chemicals
i constantly feel like my right brain is allowing me to experience things in new ways
so basically, i'm always high as fuck off of endogenous drugs

this is ...awesome?

now i know why hippie vegan runners are always so stoked with life
because there are trees!

and other reasons

but even when i'm tired i feel okay, and i still get mad and whatnot, it's just that everything is mitigated by a sensation and sense of well being...

my left knee hurts a lot

but even that's okay.

<3 i love you!

hey doctor

stop doubting me.
seriously.
just because life has shat on you and other people have fucked you over,
doesn't mean i will, it doesn't mean you get to decide who i am.
just because you perceive one thing does NOT make that the reality, my reality.
so kindly leave me alone, as i'm attempting to do to you.

kthx

did you know if you don't eat your body will try to stop you from working out
that is when you kill your body

...huh?

yup, "when while pondering things."

hey read this cause its from my head organ

man wrestlers are crazy
i wanna fight in a cage... but for me it would be more like getting my ass kicked in a cage
freud said that females have penis envy
for me, i say nay.

i have beard envy.

if i could, i would grow the most awesome creepy moustache, then a goatee, then a full and wonderful beard. and i would stroke it when while pondering things.

neato

if our left hemisphere is the serial processor and our right hemisphere is the parallell processor,
if our left is detail oriented and linear-temporal thinking
and our right is feeling oriented and visual- spacial thinking

that means we evolved to have hemispheres of our brain ESPECIALLY designed for percieving, processing and experiencing both time and space

we are clearly creatures of our own dimension experiencing this temporal and spacial reality together

cool

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU&

trying to find a balance

okay, so army says lose 18 lbs in ten days, (no one told me until ten days out that i had to be my original DEP in weight when i show up at fort jackson, so instead of being FINE with meeting body fat standards or even weight standards, i have to crash diet n exercise my face off, woo!)
and now i have 8 days and 12-13 lbs to go.
i can do it, it just sucks. it's all adult-y and shit.
and it makes me think a lot... someone told me confusion is the highest state of learning, to which i responded "where am i and what is going on"
that means life is teaching me a lot. or i'm a fuckhead who is just scatterbrained and will always be the person to lose her wallet at the wrong time...?
but what i meant, if i can get back to that vein of thought, is that american ideas about being an adult are fucking dumb. as Brandi Carlile put it, 'i have seen your nine to fives wash away your dreams...' we're mostly a nation of people doing what we should instead of what we want, and the people working their asses off and making sacrifices and putting aside their wants and paying taxes are picking up the goddamn slack for the lazy assholes... but maybe some of those lazy assholes just figured out that you know what, fuck that.

and i guess i can sort of understand. the pressure to live up to societal norms in some manner is immense, and also no one wants to do NOTHING with their life, wait that is not true. and also, if you're a musician none of these rules need apply to you. keep on keepin on.

where was i?

oh yeah eating veggie stew and foregoing protein, carbs, and sugar so that my body is in a very catabolic state makes my uber-optimism more difficult to sustain. not impossible, but definitely more difficult. but then i listen to music and look at something ethereal like the mountains or moon or some ridiculous shit and then i'm okay. cause it is what it is and it ain't that fucking bad.

BUT my body hurts. hurts SO GOOD.

there is something to be said for hard fucking work, and being proud of one's self. but there is also plenty to be said for driving to seattle and having FUN before you live in hell v. 2.0 for 7 months.

where's the balance?

ask slug from atmosphere

okay thats enough, tomorrow's topic: funny things that have happened (to me, because i'm egocentric (like most people (im writing this just for a third set of parenthesis)).)

stop being a debbie downer and ranger the fuck up

what

do you ever wonder, like...
okay, no no no. i wonder. i wonder what would happen if humans lived 300 years or 902 or 17,368 or a million and two months or some large arbitrary number, because we are such amazing fucking creatures in these weirdly fragile frail and transient bodies...
we die so easily, and there is nothing wrong with death- nothing glorious or good as far as i'm concerned-
it's just, death is death, okay moving on,
but what would a person that old, who kept their wits about them and didn't break down and reach their mental peak so early in life, be like?
i can't even fathom it.
because as i learn and experience things, i have trouble putting it all away- i dont even bother to categorize of judge anymore because it's not the way of things and its too exhausting and not at all necessary... the more i learn the more i realize how ignorant and infantile we are as a race and a species and a planet and

imagine what we could wittness if we lived to be a million years old
a billion
a google
or infinite

infinite beings? really?

why do i wonder about the universe and get angry and frustrated at my human limitations but simultaneously rejoice in them because they allow me to feel things, and experience this life and this existence in a unique and wholly guttural manner

i need a nap

i
am
stoked

Dance while the sky crashes down

Okay, so. I said I would write the shit down, and I've only got so long to go before I can't for a while, so here goes.

I'll give you the short version.

I drove across the country to Washington. It was devastatingly beautiful and I cried. I thought a lot. I started processing the past two years of horrible decisions and cruel acts on my part.

Eventually I started to forgive myself. I still hope one day I'll be ready to ask for forgiveness.

I've begun to heal. And it is so much harder than I thought it would be. Because somewhere in me I always knew there was this kind of fucking awesome person waiting to get back on deck and I'm starting to see signs of her return.

But you have to allow yourself to be successful, even when you're not entirely sure you deserve it.

I work hard. Life has paid me back... the universe and karma have done their thing and I've had more than my share of bad luck. But I'm alive, and I'm in America, and I'm not being shot at, so can I REALLY complain over a lost wallet, stolen purse (which was returned), speeding tickets, flat tires, busted windows and stupid accidents?

No.

Because along the way I've also been given the benefit of the doubt by total strangers, met amazing people, gained hella cool friends, learned about culture, had ridiculous concert/music experiences. Oh yeah, and I also have my absolute soulmate of a best friend to thank for this entire experience and believing in me and...

fuck me, I am lucky.

I am so fucking lucky.

Wow.

Best News in a While

I write like
Edgar Allan Poe

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

A Rebirth

Like the Phoenix.
Couldn't do this in my old blog. That girl died.
Sounds stupid. Sounds melodramatic and overly emotional, but it's the truth, for better or for worse.

I'm still figuring out who the woman who took her place is.

So I think I'll write it down.